Honesty
I grew up in a home of secrecy and non spoken truths. My dad was an alcoholic and it was never mentioned. He never actually drank in front of us. He was always somewhere else and then came home drunk. I was ashamed of my family life. I never had a school friend into my house. My mom worked hard to support my two other brothers and myself. We had very few things other families had and it made me sad. I soon learned how to withhold truth. My parents never signed my report cards, I signed them. I learned how to negotiate my way through life by being charming. I didn’t finish my homework but aced my tests and my teachers let me pass because I was nice. I used this technique through most of my life.
In 2001 I attended a Radical Honesty seminar in northern Virginia facilitated by Dr. Brad Blanton. The eight day experience was life changing. I discovered how to be more authentic and how to tell the truth in a very candid way. I highly recommend Dr. Blanton’s excellent book titled Radical Honesty, How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth. And I highly recommend taking the Radical Honesty course. Here is what I learned.
Honesty is a key to profound happiness. When we are totally honest we open the door for complete intimacy. When we create intimacy we feel loved, nurtured, connected. An honest life is achieved by clearing up the past and telling what is true for us now. It is powerful when we share our deepest truth with someone else. By saying what is true for ourselves, we give the person with whom we are sharing the gift of trusting them with your soul. They in turn give us the gift of listening to us and their unconditional love. Something transcendent occurs when we finally let go of our secrets and share them with someone else. Our hearts open for each other and we become bonded together. There are no more secrets. We are truly free perhaps for the first time in our adult life. Being totally honest is not easy. It is much easier to live a normal life of half truths, innuendos, hinting, expecting and controlling. Living an honest life requires courage, compassion and commitment. I still have to work hard to do this!
An honest person has a mind full of abstractions but doesn’t let circumstances or principles get in the way of telling the truth. All words are abstractions. All thoughts are in the past. All thoughts are interpretations. Only feelings are real. Feelings are pure biochemical reactions to stimuli. Emotions are thoughts attached to feelings. When we speak clearly, we experience movement and sensation in our body. Our bodies always speak the truth. Our body does not have a mind to get in the way. Our minds mostly get in our way. The more I stay connected to my feelings, the more clearly I can experience you.
Truth tellers describe. Liars evaluate. Everyone lies. The most predominant type of lying is withholding. When I withhold from you I separate myself from you. Then there is a part of me that is not available to you. The more I withhold or lie; I create a psychic barrier between us. When we interact I cannot be with you totally because a part of me is holding a secret. You may wonder what is missing. You won’t know that I am actually ripping you off by not being totally honest with you
A person who tells the truth is the most free, alive person you will ever experience! However they may be more insecure because they have fewer beliefs to rely on. When you tell the whole truth straight from your heart it can create some tension in the way it is received. You are no longer hiding and being vague. You are being candid and describing your experience and sometimes that can be a challenge. You will have fewer stories to tell. You will eventually create an uncomfortable security which is a prerequisite for a fulfilled creative life!
Here is your homework if you choose to accept this assignment. Find someone who means a lot to you and share a part of yourself that you may have been withholding. Once you do, you will have a richer, deeper relationship with them and yourself. From my heart to yours, Thomas